


Royal Pains

by ManagingMischief



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Muggle, Alternate Universe - Royalty, F/M, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Modern Marauders (Harry Potter), Modern Royalty, Romantic Comedy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-24
Updated: 2019-07-24
Packaged: 2020-07-19 03:55:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19967635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ManagingMischief/pseuds/ManagingMischief
Summary: James can't understand why he's so terribly misunderstood and has yet to be given a cat to adopt. Sirius has succumbed to a life of petty theft. Pete has a man crush. Remus wants a nap and Lily would just really like a drink with an umbrella.Kingsley Shacklebolt wishes every day he'd picked a different career path.Or the Jily Modern Royalty AU for The Jily Santa that was asked for, but they may regret asking.





	Royal Pains

**Author's Note:**

> This is simply the prologue to the main events of the story, as it has turned into a beast of a romcom. It is mostly written and will be updated within a week and the bulk of the story (currently at 15k posted in one chapter). Please excuse my creative license with Royal life, I've tried to keep at least some things real. 
> 
> GLOSSARY OF TERMS FOR NON BRITISH HUMANS 
> 
> Eton - Posh as fuck school that the males in the Royal family attend  
> Sixth Form - Ages 16 -18 sometimes referred to as year 12 & 13\. You take four subjects that you pick for two years and complete exams called A-levels at the end  
> Clarence House - Home of the Royal Family if they aren't living in the Palace  
> Tenner - Ten pounds  
> Fiver - Five pounds  
> Public School - In the UK a public school is a private school where you pay fees to attend. 'Public school boys' usually refers to posh boys. 
> 
> Points of note 
> 
> Drinking age is 18  
> Age of consent is 16  
> Everyone is in London because creative license 
> 
> Please enjoy! Please comment or come see me on tumblr at MischiefManagedWrites! If this is the kind of humour / romcom thing people like I'll definitely do more and try out a couple of ships.

> **JAMES**

James wasn’t supposed to be here.

He was 100% not supposed to be here right now. He was not supposed to be here to such an extreme extent that if he was a Dog he’d actually be a Cat. 

He was definitely not supposed to be carrying a tray of Jager Bombs to a rowdy table of lads. There were a lot of things James was supposed to be doing right now and absolutely none of them included balancing the tray on one hand as he sneakily downed a shot before he returned to the table. 

Needs must and all of that. 

“Oi Prongs, will you hurry it up?” Sirius called from where he was currently stretched out across the booth, legs dangling over an indulgent Remus’ lap. “Honestly, you’d think you’d never served yourself before or something.” 

James didn’t laugh on principle, even if it was kind of funny. He noted with satisfaction, that Peter didn’t either. At least one friend was loyal, even Remus was hiding a smile behind a polite cough. 

James was never going to buy Jager for them again. Ungrateful sods. 

“You ever considered becoming a comedian Pads?” James rolled his eyes, finally making his way back to their corner booth and sliding in next to Peter as he rested the tray on the table. 

“Nah, who needs a real job when you’re filthy rich?” Sirius quipped, frowning when Remus immediately shoved his legs off his lap. “ _Hey,_ I was joking — I’m a comedian remember? You should really learn to pay better attention Moons.” 

“Correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t comedians supposed to be funny?” Remus raised his eyebrows, and James couldn’t help but snort — Peter following with a laugh — at the look of utter offence on Sirius’ face. “I assume that’s a sort of pre-requisite of the job, no?” 

“I can’t believe you’re implying I’m boring and posh when you’re sat here using words like _prerequisite_.” Sirius rolled his eyes, helping himself to a shot and downing it quickly. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m completely into it….how about you tell me more? Are there any prerequisites to your cock?” 

“I thought we agreed that there would be no more cock talk at the table?” James groaned, reaching for another shot before the conversation spiralled into Remus and Sirius trying to one up the other with sexual innuendo. That was until they inevitably exploded into a cloud of sexual tension and James would be two mates down. 

Which would be a shame. James loved Peter and everything, but a twosome seemed suspiciously like only having one friend. Which would just be plain embarrassing really. 

“I don’t remember ever agreeing to this no cock talk rule. So unless you can provide evidence in writing Prongs, I’m afraid it’s not legally binding.” Sirius shrugged, “I should know, I’m practically an expert in contract law now.” 

“One module for your A-Levels that you haven’t even taken yet, doesn’t make you an expert Sirius.” Remus rolled his eyes, his face the picture of fond irritation. Although James noted he didn’t complain as Sirius once again slung his legs over his lap. “If anything, James is more qualified to be giving legal advice.” 

“Yeah, I mean — James has been learning that stuff since he was a kid.” Peter chimed in, and James chose to reward him with a sunny grin. It was always good to keep your friends on side after all. 

He pretended not to notice the pink tinge to Peter’s cheeks as he did. He pretended not to notice a lot of things, he was really very good at that. A special skill one might say. Let nobody state that he had none of those. 

“Alright Wormy, we get it — your man crush on James will last a lifetime, until your dying breath and all that.” Sirius waved a hand dramatically, and James noted he _definitely_ didn’t possess James’ special skill of ignoring inconvenient things. 

“I don’t have a — that’s not — “ Peter blustered, his cheeks getting redder by the second. “That’s not what I — are you drunk? I didn’t — I’m _not_ — “ 

“Alright….are we going to do these shots or not?” James interrupted quickly, wrapping his hands around four of the shot glasses before divvying them up between them. “I probably have around twenty minutes before I’m reported as missing or something equally as dramatic.” 

“I’d give it fifteen…” Remus commented idly, wrapping his hand around his own shot glass as he held it in the air. “It’s been almost an hour after all, and that’s way past your current record.” 

James laughed, adjusting Peter’s beanie on his head as a precaution, as he raised his own shot glass. “Alright then, to freedom….” 

“To freedom!” they all echoed, although James wasn’t really sure what that meant for all of them. 

“It’s _two_ in the _afternoon_.” James lifted his head at the comment, not sure for a second that the judgement he heard from the strange voice was meant for them. 

How could it be? They were simply four innocent lads, bunking off their last lesson of the day to get some very well deserved alcohol. They were a judgement free zone, essentially the definition of innocent. 

They were a tree in the forest of — innocent tree things or however the fuck that saying went. Something about a tree falling in a forest and still being innocent — or heard — or whatever. Whatever the saying was, they were it. 

Innocent. Good fun. Harmless. Surrounded by a judgement free zone. 

Only, as James spotted the face that accompanied judgemental tone, popping up over the back of Remus’ and Sirius’ side of the booth — he couldn’t help but feel that _maybe_ he wasn’t _totally_ against the invasion of the dome. Like maybe the tree of innocence could fall down or something, maybe it could be felled by a pair of green eyes and a head of red hair. 

This paragon of beauty, this wondrous red headed face of judgement could quite frankly say whatever she wanted and James would accept it. Obviously they were going to be married and have ten thousand children. What else did one do with a beautiful floating head popping up from the booth behind? 

“Do you have something against 2pm?” he drawled out instead, leaning back in his chair lazily. It was all very confusing as he was pretty sure what he’d _meant_ to do was propose instantly. “Does 2pm bring back terrible traumatic memories of it no longer being lunch time?” 

He ignored the knowing look Sirius shot him, ignored it completely because Sirius Black knew exactly _nothing_. He knew not one thing about James and his tendency to immediately offend anyone he remotely fancied. Sirius Black was simply a bag of air that had no thoughts or feelings and whenever he did — they were instantly incorrect. 

“I have something against getting rowdy off Jager at 2pm on a _Wednesday_.” beautiful floating head responded, green eyes rolling so judgmentally that James wondered for a second if maybe she was a professional eye roller. “Some of us are trying to concentrate.” 

“Oh I’m terribly sorry, I didn’t realise there were rules against drinking in a _pub_.” he quipped, absolutely positive she would know that what he was really saying was _I love you_. “Should we go somewhere more appropriate to consume alcohol? Perhaps even somewhere that has an entire business plan dedicated to selling alcoholic products to willing consumers?” 

“Oh no….he’s getting posh.” Sirius muttered, face a picture of concerned angst and Remus simply patted his leg in comfort. 

James didn’t understand why Sirius needed comfort. _Sirius_ wasn’t the one who was currently suffering from all consuming love with a floating pair of green eyes. Frankly, James was pretty sure that Remus’ sympathetic pat belonged to him and him alone. However, it would be weird if Remus reached across the table, so James settled for kicking Peter’s ankle instead. 

It wasn’t nearly as comforting. 

“Eton boys.” green eyes scoffed, and James saw a dainty hand come up to tuck gorgeous red strands behind stunning ears. He was rapidly running out of descriptive compliments to describe the floating head of his dreams, even in thought his lack of creativity was disappointing him. “You’re all the same. Think you’re entitled to the world just because you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth.” 

“Well that’s a bit unfair — “ 

“I’ll have you know, Eton is an establishment of Gentleman who appreciate all — “ 

James simply ignored the cut off protests from his mates, before Sirius went off on a tangent of Eton pride. One he didn’t even bloody believe in, so James didn’t know why he always insisted on giving the same speech. 

“How do you know where we attend school?” he asked instead, ignoring Sirius’ groans of ‘ _for fucks sake, posh Potter is the worst’_ for the sake of his own sanity. 

Green eyes simply blinked at him, and for a second James was convinced she had finally realised that James was her soul mate. She had stared deep into his soul and made the executive decision to elope with him immediately, adopt 13 cats and birth 12 babies. In that exact order — they’d have to get the cats settled before they risked baby jealousy after all. It was important that cats had the right amount of bedding in time. 

“You are quite literally wearing a uniform….” she said instead, and James was starting to get the impression that cat adoption might not be on the table. 

He was just about to think of a genius and cutting reply, also known as a declaration of love when the bell above the door let out its little jingle signifying someone had entered. James knew without looking that it was most definitely the jingle of his doom. 

“Uh...fellas, I think we might have a situation in about twenty seconds….” he mumbled, kicking at Remus under the table and trying to ignore the burst of disappointment when green eyes simply huffed once more about Eton Boys and disappeared from view. 

If he was less of a human disaster, he would have stood and walked round to her booth. He would have defended his and Eton’s honour and maybe informed her she was the most beautiful human he’d ever seen. However, he was currently staring at his imminent death and quite frankly he didn’t really feel like having his future wife witness it. 

Instead, he sank down lower in his seat as a familiar burly and pissed off looking man entered the door of the grotty pub, looking for all the world as though he was going to set people on fire for simply breathing. Maybe that was dramatic, but he was so calm as he made eye contact with almost every patron, that James was sure that it was the sign of a future serial killer. 

“Oh fuck — “ James mumbled, nodding subtly towards the bar, where future serial killer was conversing with the barman. “It’s Kingsley….they’re definitely playing hardball if they sent him.” 

“Shit, really? Nice knowing you mate.” Sirius snorted, and James really wanted to hurl his empty shot glass at his head. But he refrained — not because he was afraid of Kingsley. That wasn’t remotely the reason why. 

He was simply a kind and caring friend. The best really. He didn’t impale his friends with shot glasses. It wouldn’t be polite. 

“At least it isn’t Moody this time?” Remus supplied helpfully, as he attempted to subtly glance behind him to where Kingsley was now expertly searching the pub with knowing eyes. “Um — I’m no expert, but I’d wager you’ve been spotted pal.” 

James simply groaned, sinking lower down in his seat and ignoring Sirius’ happy little chortles. Sirius was a wanker. Not even a cool one. He was just a fucking wanker who didn’t deserve the terrible shots James had bought him. 

“You’re getting predictable James.” the voice from his right was tinged with amusement, but James would not be fooled. 

Kingsley was a veritable expert at keeping people on their toes. It might look like a cat and sound like a cat, but it could still be a fucking dog. You’d just never know. 

“You’re not even supposed to call me that….” his voice came out an embarrassing whine he was forced to kick at Remus for when he snorted. “You’re supposed to be a _professional_ Kingsley.” 

“Well _you’re_ supposed to be the Crown Prince….yet here we are.” Kingsley replied, and James could only groan as he sat up straighter and bestowed on his security the most charming smile he could muster. “Your presence has been requested at Clarence House.” 

James was pretty impressed with how he used the term _requested_ with that level of sincerity. As though it was even remotely a request, and not a subtle word play on _‘your parents are going to actively murder you and I’m going to watch’._

“I like it when you’re sassy Kings, brightens my day up.” he shot him a wink, before heaving himself out of his seat with a dramatic flair. “Well lads, I must go. Back to the Ivory tower and all that. I’ll see you at school tomorrow yes?” 

“You can keep my hat James!” Peter called after him, as he walked with Kingsley to the door and James could only snort as Peter’s offer was immediately repeated high pitched and at volume by Sirius and Remus. 

_“Do you want my shoes too James?”_

_“James here — take my arm, it’s already up your arse you might as well….”_

_“Ooo James, do you need a kidney or two? Please, cut me open and take them….”_

James was too busy laughing at his mates to turn and get a proper look at his future wife as he left the pub. He didn’t after all, want to prove her right about the silver spoon. Even if James was pretty sure being royalty meant his spoon was fucking gold or ivory or some shit. 

Spoons were complicated. 

  


> **LILY**

_You’re supposed to be the Crown Prince…._

_….presence has been requested at Clarence House._

Lily could only repeat those phrases round and round in her head as she sat frozen in her booth. She could still hear the chortles of the other boys as they finished their drinks and Lily wanted to die quietly without the background noise. She didn’t often think of her ideal way to die, but she was almost positive it didn’t include posh boys giggling behind her. 

He was _James Potter_. 

She’d just told James Potter, the future _King_ that he was a typical Eton boy with a silver spoon in his mouth. She’d just rolled her eyes and made her disdain clear for a boy who was the sole heir to the Crown. 

Was that treason? Was treason even still a thing? She was tempted to google it to find out, but she was slightly concerned maybe they’d be tracking her google now. Maybe she was about to be put on some watch list, wasn’t that how it worked? You made contact with a Royal and all of a sudden your every move was watched suspiciously?

She was pretty sure that her exciting life of attempting to pass her A-Levels and waxing poetic about the benefits of coconut oil wasn’t going to ping some kind of royal threat alert….but you never knew. 

“Apologies Lily, there was a queue at the bar….I got you the house red.” Severus slipped into the seat opposite her, pushing a glass of red wine towards her. 

Lily was too busy contemplating her entire existence to point out that she’d asked him for a pink gin...with an umbrella. What self respecting eighteen year old drank a glass of red wine on a Wednesday in the pub? What self respecting eighteen year old _wanted_ to? _She_ certainly didn’t, that was for sure. 

However, she simply smiled at him tightly, taking a sip just to have something to do with her hands and mouth. He meant well after all, and how was he to know that Lily had just held a conversation with the future King? 

How would he ever suspect that Lily had spent half of her life dreaming of the day Prince James picked her to be a Princess? 

Like most working class kids with internet access, she’d definitely gone through her Prince James phase. She hadn’t known anyone throughout primary and most of secondary school that _hadn’t_ harboured fantasies about becoming a Princess. 

It had helped of course, that Prince James was both handsome and charming. He came across well in interviews, photographed beautifully and had modernised the Royals by being an avid social media user and a seemingly normal teenager. 

Well….being Royal aside of course. 

She’d gotten over her childish dreams of course, nobody _actually_ believed they were going to one day become a Princess. Besides, she didn’t _want_ to be a Princess….she wanted to be a Doctor and that certainly wasn’t going to happen if she continued to obsess about a two second conversation instead of doing what she came here to do. 

“So….chemistry.” Lily started, confused for a second by the flash of irritation on Severus’ face. “Shall we start planning our experiment for the coursework? I’ve been having a think about a potential hypothesis and I’ve narrowed it down to — “ 

“I’ve already chosen a hypothesis and experiment for us, you don’t need to worry about it.” Severus simply waved a hand, taking a sip of his own wine and Lily felt a flash of annoyance she didn’t want to feel about the other boy. 

“Then why are we here if it’s already figured out?” she snapped, pushing her wine away. All of a sudden inexplicably angry with the fact he’d bought it for her. “I’ve told you before Sev — I want to do it myself, I need to learn it too or I’m never going to pass my A-Levels.” 

“Can’t we just enjoy our drinks? I picked that wine for you….it wasn’t exactly cheap Lily.” Severus looked hurt and Lily was immediately hit with guilt so strong it made her stomach hurt. 

Here she was, obsessing over the little rich boy she’d spent two seconds insulting, and inwardly bitching about not getting the drink she wanted….when her best friend in the world was spending his limited money on her. She was being a terrible friend, and this was something they’d discussed at length lately, about them drifting apart. 

Lily had promised to be better. She’d promised to be more supportive and Severus had — she wasn’t quite sure _what_ Severus had promised in return. Not that it really mattered, he had gone through a lot. If they were going to tally up their life suffering and create some strange ranking system of misery….Severus would win by a landslide. Lily had to be the one to compromise, it was simply the polite thing to do. It was the decent thing to do unless she wanted to be another person of privilege that Severus hated so much. 

“Sorry, we can definitely enjoy our wine.” she smiled, lifting her glass and clinking it against his with a gentle smile. 

They lapsed into silence, one that felt distinctly uncomfortable. It was a new feeling. Lily didn’t know what to say anymore. She wanted to tell him about the bizzare experience of meeting Prince James, but she already knew what his reaction would be. He wasn’t exactly a Royalist. Her story wouldn’t be met with shared giggles over the terrible wine. Instead, he’d be jealous and withdrawn and Lily would downplay the whole thing to spare them the argument. 

She wasn’t sure if saying nothing was worse. 

She opened her mouth when the silence became unbearable, trying desperately to think of something to say. She was just about to resign herself to a life of a forever open mouth when a heavy body stumbled into her shoulder, sloshing her wine over the rim of the glass and Lily spared a thought for her poor phone resting on the edge of the table. 

“Terribly sorry chaps, we seem to have given Pete here one too many Jagers.” Lily looked up at the voice, a voice she recognised from the booth behind. 

The three boys that had been with the Prince. They were definitely a sight. The slightly chubby boy with the red face that Lily assumed was Peter was swaying where he stood, an anxious look in his eyes. The speaker wasn’t far behind that himself, hair pulled back into a definite hipster bun that didn’t seem ironic and a grin on his face that Lily assumed girls who weren’t her usually found charming. 

The third was stood back slightly, school shirt untucked from his trousers as he leaned against a table, sandy hair artfully messy on top of his head. They looked particularly worse for wear and Lily bit her tongue in case she somehow managed to scold them for their drinking habits again. 

“What does your apology mean when Lily no longer has a drink?” Severus snapped, and Lily could only stare at him in horror. 

He was _bristling_ , sitting up straighter and fixing the three boys with an utter look of contempt that Lily honestly wasn’t sure if they were going to melt under the strain of it. 

Severus had noticed their uniforms then. He knew they were Eton boys. _Fantastic_. Lily really wished she had that pink gin right about now. Maybe the umbrella would have made for a fantastic prop to poke her own eyes out. 

“You okay mate? Only, I suspect you might have a stick lodged up your arse.” hipster hair quipped, his tone jovial even as his eyes darkened in a challenge. 

This wasn’t good. This was so very not good. Severus didn’t know they were friends of the fucking Prince for fucks sake. 

“Sirius….” came the quiet warning from the Sandy haired bloke, and Lily watched as he put a hand on Hipsters (Sirius was his name apparently) shoulder. 

“Just doing my civil duty Moons, you know….helping remove sticks from bony arses and all that.” Sirius continued and Lily glanced at Severus in concern as she heard a sharp inhale from his side of the table, nostrils flaring in a way that Lily knew meant he was absolutely furious. 

“Perhaps, if you were doing your _civil duty_ , you’d be in the school your parents dodge taxes to pay for instead of drunk in the pub on a Wednesday afternoon.” Severus stated, raising his eyebrows in challenge and Lily honestly, just really wanted her gin. 

“Ah….I get it. You’re one of _them_ right?” Sirius continued, his grin widening to the point he looked downright dangerous. “Chip on your shoulder as well as the stick up your arse. Tell you what, I’ll do you a solid and replace your girlfriends drink — I’ll make sure they keep the VAT on as well yeah? Wouldn’t want my tax dodging to be on your conscience.” 

Lily should have said a lot of things to that. She should have defended her friend, even if he had been unnecessarily rude. She should have reiterated her point about their privilege and the reputation public school boys had with people like her and Severus. Normal people. Working class people. People who went to a normal sixth form that didn’t cost thousands and thousands of pounds a term to attend. 

She should have said a lot. Instead, the only thing that came out of her mouth was….

“I’m not his girlfriend.” 

She didn’t need to look at Severus to know the hurt expression his face would be sporting. She didn’t need to see the look of longing that would be in his eyes. They edged around the subject continuously, both knowing logically Lily was not and would never be his girlfriend. But that didn’t mean it was ever something that was stated out loud. Another silent compromise within the minefield that had become their friendship. 

“Well then, I’m sure James will be thrilled to hear that.” Sirius commented, his face losing the edge from before and Lily couldn’t even bring herself to ask what he meant, already imagining the panicked look on Severus’ face at the mention of a mystery boy. 

She was saved from having to comment by the unmistakable sound of heaving as Pete promptly threw up onto his own shoes. 

“Oh for fucks sake….” Sirius muttered, digging into his pocket and throwing a tenner on the table. “For your drinks….gotta get Pete home before we get banned from another bloody pub.” 

“...nice to meet you.” ‘Moon’s’, the quieter one murmured softly as the three walked out of the pub. 

They were left in silence. The ten pound note sitting between them on the table and the smell of vomit burning their nostrils. Yet, Lily wasn’t even thinking about that, couldn’t stop her brain from obsessing over the throwaway comment Sirius had made. 

_I’m sure James will be thrilled to hear that…._

_  
_

> **JAMES**

“...just explain it to me again.” James frowned, taking a drag from his cig as he elbowed Sirius to get out of the way of the window. 

They’d been hiding in here for thirty minutes, avoiding economics with Mr Binn’s like the diligent students they were. Everyone knew that economics was the perfect opportunity to hole up in the third floor bathroom for a cig break. And if they _didn’t_ — well James just felt sorry for them really. 

Pete didn’t know. Pete was the current recipient of their empathy. Someone had to be the sacrifice after all. If they were all missing then it was a sure fire sign that they were together and whilst James had a kind of immunity — what with being the future King and all. None of them were ever willing to risk Remus’ scholarship. 

“Are you having an aneurysm or something?” Sirius sighed, rather dramatically in James’ opinion. Not that anyone asked. “It’s not that bloody complicated.” 

“He’s probably just contemplating what a wanker you are.” Remus piped up helpfully from where he was perched on a sink. 

“Don’t make it so easy for me to make a masturbation joke Moons.” Sirius sighed wistfully, taking his turn by the window. “Honestly, that one wasn’t even challenging.” 

“ _No_ , no cock talk right now.” James frowned, pointing at each of them sternly. Then doing it again for good measure, lest they doubted the seriousness of his pointing. 

“I thought that just wasn't allowed at the table?” Remus asked casually, drawing one foot up onto the other sink, like some strange pretzel like human being who might be part cat. 

“It’s not allowed in bathrooms either.” James pointed out helpfully, contemplating the benefits of pinning cock talk rules to their group whatsapp. 

“But what if I have a piss emergency?” Sirius asked, throwing his cig out the window as he budged over for James again. “Pissing involves the use of my cock you know?” 

“What constitutes a piss emergency?” James tilted his head as he took another drag of his own. 

Maybe there would have to be some addendum to the rules. He couldn’t do with there being so many loopholes or vagueness. Not that he was going to be responsible for making laws anymore, but still….it wouldn’t do to be so shit at rule making. 

“I don’t know, might google it.” Sirius offered helpfully, making absolutely no move to pull out his phone as he instead started to turn on the taps, forcing Remus to jump from sink to sink to find a safe perch. 

“I’ll do it….pretty sure Skeeter is tracking my google searches to pre-empt a tabloid emergency.” James shrugged, pulling out his own phone easily. “Got to keep her on her toes.” 

Rita Skeeter, press liaison for Buckingham Palace was the bane of his existence and that was saying something as James had a whole list of banes. He was absolutely positive she had his phone and accounts bugged to ensure he wasn’t doing anything online that was going to cause a tabloid scandal. 

_Honestly_ ….you draw a smiley face on your dick and send it to your mates _one time._

“James….didn’t you have other concerns? Besides your consistent rebellion against anyone assigned to look out for your well-being?” Remus helpfully reminded him, so helpfully in fact that James did him a favour and smacked Sirius around the head to stop the weird flirting attack. 

“Oh shit yeah — and it’s not a rebellion Moons, it’s entertainment.” he defended. It was a very important distinction. He was not some spoiled little prince rebelling. 

He wasn’t _little_ for one. 

“Semantics.” Remus waved a hand in dismissal, resuming his perch on the sink, wrapping his legs around Sirius to trap him in front of him. 

“Anyway….back to the subject.” James waved a hand, hopping up on the windowsill to begin the important dialogue. “What do you mean you stole her phone?” 

“Exactly what it says on the tin — took her phone for you.” Sirius rolled his eyes, and James noted that his fight against Remus’ hold wasn’t particularly strong. He really wished they’d just fuck already. Preferably when he was out of the country. “Don’t pretend you don’t know who I’m talking about. Fit redhead you almost shit yourself over?” 

“...Moony _help_.” James sighed, pleading eyes finding Remus’. 

“He took the phone, because Sirius seems to think that you’ll have to meet up again to give it back to her.” Remus explained patiently, fingers now carding through Sirius’ hair easily. 

“Right….right….” James nodded, because obviously he’d known that all along. _Obviously_. “...but how am I going to contact her if _I_ have her phone?” 

“Sirius didn’t think that far ahead.” 

“Makes sense.” James nodded thoughtfully.

“You call one of her mates obviously.” Sirius looked at him as though James had been dropped out of the silly tree and Sirius was the only bloke left in the world who possessed any brain cells. 

James was offended. _Actively_ offended, but it was very hard to express offence over a thought he knew Sirius was having but hadn’t been stated out loud. So he settled for a quietly withering look and catching the phone Sirius threw at him. 

“It’s locked…” he frowned, glancing down at the home screen where there was a very cute picture of a cat. 

James was going to be a step dad. How exciting. 

“You’re literally a fucking _Prince_ , get MI5 on it.” Sirius sighed, obviously done with the conversation now he’d committed his act of petty theft. 

“Oh sure, I’ll just give MI5 a ring and let them know I need them to unlock a phone my best mate stole, so that I can ditch my security and see a girl again.” James rolled his eyes. “That sounds like a solid plan.” 

“Right here James….” came a tired voice from the doorway, and James didn’t even need to look at him to know he was rolling his eyes. 

Should be a sackable offence really. But James wasn’t allowed to sack security. The ban that had began when he was 5 had yet to be lifted at 18. 

“I _know_ you’re there Kingsley, bloody hell, you’re not exactly inconspicuous.” 

“Right….well in the spirit of being inconspicuous, you could just add her on facebook.” Kingsley drawled, like he was bored of the entire conversation. But James knew better, James knew that Kingsley was absolutely enthralled. He might even already be planning their wedding and naming their cats. 

What else did he have to do after all? Except follow James around and ruin his entire life on a daily basis? 

“How do you even know what facebook is?” James asked curiously, “You’re 85.” 

“Facebook is for old people now mate….” Sirius piped up helpfully.

“Did you read that in Hipster monthly?” Remus rolled his eyes and James gave him a virtual high-five that he conveyed expertly with his eyes. 

“Don’t be daft, it’s Hipster _fortnightly_ ….monthly is far too predictable.” Sirius patted Remus’ leg sympathetically, before tilting his head back, presumably for more petting. 

“Right, well if we can get back to the matter at hand.” James waved a hand, focusing his attention on Kingsley — who was doing a very poor job of being invisible security. “How am I supposed to add her on facebook when I don’t have one?” 

“I’m going to give you my logins and we’re not going to speak about this again.” 

“You _love_ me, you really love me….” James enthused, pressing a hand to his chest as he shot a wink in Kingsley’s direction. 

The eye roll he received in return was practically a marriage proposal, honestly. 

“I love breathing air that doesn’t stink of piss….” Kingsley intoned, “I give you my logins and you agree to hold no more summits in the bathroom for at least a month.” 

“I’m pretty sure this probably counts as treason.” James pointed out, but he jumped down from the windowsill anyway and approached Kingsley with his hand outstretched to shake on it. Like _Gentleman_. “It’s blackmail, or bribery or something….” 

“I’ll take my chances.” 

James reminded himself to make sure Kingsley received a gold embossed invitation to the wedding.  



End file.
